You know those types. The ones that always seem to put a damper on your sporting event. Unfortunately, they get passed security, so you have to deal with them. Here’s an ode to our least favorite fans in the stands.
The Know It All.
You know the guy. He made the JV baseball team, then was bumped up to the Varsity level only to sit the bench. He walked on at the local community college where he became the official scorekeeper. Needless to say, he knows absolutely everything. Every time Brandon Belt or Paul Goldschmidt goes up to bat he has to yell out a statistic that’s a no-brainer. “Dude, that Paul Goldschmidt is hitting over .300, and I knew a guy who knows a guy who kind of sort of pitched against his cousin.”
Then he coaches your little league team, and tells the parents he used to play professional ball for the Oakland A’s organization. Thank God for baseball-reference.com, because your name didn’t pop up homie. Stop it.
The Girl Who Keeps Asking Questions.
Let me say first, I’m a MLB writer, and even I don’t know everything there is to know about baseball, but when you bring a girl to a sporting event make sure she knows what she’s getting into. I’m going to do my very best not to sound sexist, but let’s be real. There is such a thing as stupid questions. Don’t keep asking “What just happened?” Or God forbid you ask during a football when the seventh-inning stretch is. Save yourself the embarrassment, and just enjoy the scenery.
The Drunk Guy.
We all enjoy a beer (or four) at a sporting event. This is without saying. However, we have all sat near the drunk dude who is still yelling at Ray Lewis or Kobe Bryant over something that happened years ago. If you can actually translate what they are saying. This guy is always fun during the tailgating time, then halfway through the football game, he is passed out and you have to rock, paper, scissors on who has to take him home.
The Singled-Out Fan.
These guys aren’t so bad because most of the time, they’ve got some guts. At a home-stand game, there is always that die hard fan who drives a long way to see his/her team play at an away stadium. Or they’re local and just stick out like a sore thumb. The thing that’s relatively cool about these guys is, they are expecting to get taunted, and most of the time they take it like a champ. The others, well…
The Couple That Won’t Stop Making Out.
It’s gross. Stop. Unless it’s this:
Then it’s awesome.
Photo: TMZ.com